The Douche Blueprint

Douche of the Week

Hey Buuuuuuuuuuuuuddy. You're a douche.

Douche News 1/16/2009

After the launch of the Douche McWilliams Worldwide myspace page, the douchebags have just been flying in left and right. Check it out. Read the comments, make a friend request, leave a comment, put us on your top friends!

Also be sure to check out these "non-douche" events.

Click on the image for more information.

Seriously...

You mean to tell me Cardinals fans really exist?

Instant Douche

Put one of these* on.

VOILA!

Instant Douche.



* This is a visor. Wearing a visor in any color, size, with sport team logo or with brand of beer, will result in being a douche.

Old School Friday

Is this old school yet? "When you awaken, your manhood'll be taken."

ya momma...

shes on crack rock...

Douche of the Week

Eeeeetheerrrrr booooooyyy!

ok... we fuckin get it... you produced "Ether".... now shut the fuck up and give T Pain his auto tune back...
no homo?

no excuses...

Jimmy lookin kinda smitten there...

Instant Douche

Walk through this door

VOILA!

Instant Douche.

*Two Exceptions* - You're buying something for your girl, or trying to pick one up inside. If not,

VOILA!

Instant Douche.

Modern Day Douche

The picture should say it all. But it doesn't. Oh my.

Douche McWilliams is now on MySpace!

Now you can add Douche McWilliams Worldwide as a friend on MySpace! Put us on your Top Friends, add a comment, etc. Got a douche problem? Let us know. We'll be glad to address it. Spread the word!

myspace.com/whowantstobeadouche

Age aint nothin but a number?

Now she dont look 18 to me, but that ass says 23 at least... and if she storms into your bedroom naked askin to get dicked down, you'd rip it... dont lie...
The law of consent in the UK and Australia (and other countries) is 16, and judging by the amount of ass in this damn country, we need to follow suit...
Not that im that old, but still... as J Zone once said:
"But she could pass for 24 so I'm on it with a stroke
But I'm tortured by visions of me droppin the soap"
Amen.

Now bumpin: J Zone's "Jailbait Jennifer"

Baaaaad Douche....Come Out and Plaaaaayy

Back when rap was rap and douche was douche, my God how the line has blurred between the two since then. Peep perennial douchebag Puffy singin the hook and the lack of the real Preem beat. From themeaningofdope.com.

WOOOOOO!

Is Fiddy doing a "Rock" impersonation? I'd buy a Nature Boy album before a 50 one that's fasho.

I'll probabaly never visit Pittsburgh.

The God Douche

Every douche has a role model... and that role model's role model is Tucker Max, who wrote I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell...
If you consider yourself a true douche (or a follower and disciple of Doucheology) then you better fuckin read this classic piece of work.

Here's a lil preview from the book, a short story from the blowjob chapter:

"High school was the first time I realized that blow jobs would be a painful pleasure. I was dating a girl from another school in my area. Besides being one of the hottest girls I've ever known, she was also one of the very first girls to give me head. We were both new at it, and she liked me to courtesy tap. This was because I had convinced her that--I'm not making this up--it wasn't "real" oral sex as long as I didn't come in her mouth. Aren't 17 year old girls funny?

The first few dozen times she went down on me I courtesy tapped just like she asked. One time we were in my car, parked right out front of her house because I was dropping her off after a date. Instead of a kiss goodnight, I suggested she blow me goodnight. She thought this was a brilliant idea.

I quickly got carried away with the risk and thrill of having her suck my dick twenty yards away from her house where her father, who I hated, was waiting for her to come home. I was lost in the sexual ecstasy of the dangerous youthful blowjob when I heard her let out a little yelp. She immediately sat up, her mouth half open, full of splooge, the excess dripping off her chin, and uttered a muffled,

"You asshole!"

Then she spit the come all over my face. Sprayed it all over me.

I was still recovering from getting my own jism spat into my own face as she jumped out of my car and sprinted into her house. I quickly drove off. I had no desire to face her rifle-wielding father with my face covered in her spit and my sperm.

Once I was out of imminent danger, I couldn't help but laugh, even though I had no idea that this would only be the first in a long line of strange blowjob incidents."

This story is MILD compared to how sick the rest of the book is... trust me... go buy (or download, i dont really give a fuck)

Instant Douche (Part 2 of 2)

Repeat after me:

"I'm bringing sexy back."

VOILA!

Instant Douche.

WOOT!

If you don't know http://www.woot.com/ we suggest getting familiar with it. Check the link on the left. We may be douchebags, but we enjoy a good deal.

So what happened to the dude sitting behind Jay?

Instant Douche (Part 1 of 2)

Purchase any one of this man's albums.

VOILA!

Instant Douche.

Douche of the Week

R.I.P. "Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve."

I'd rather see Dick Clark do his best rendition of "Weekend at Bernie's" other than this guy on New Year's.

Did anybody else hear that Larry King said something about him wanting this waste of douche to take his place when he retires?

Token

This guy has the right idea.

What's The Equation For Circumference?

Einstein seems to be calculating the circumference of that ass. The man's a fucking genius!

Douchebag with the herringbone and dumbfounded look is actually ok in my book. Similar to the douchebag sitting in the row in front of you at the Eagles game who you give awkward drunken high 5's to when the Eagles score. It's OK because you are both celebrating a glorious occassion.

In this case, Jenny From Da Block's ass.

Smash Or Not?

Douche just isn't the word....

This fuckin dude. Do you know who he is? Let me tell you about him.

This is Carmine Agnello Jr. But since he's a douche and I guess his real father wasn't cool enough, he calls himself Carmine Gotti. Gotti is his mother's maiden name. His grandfather is the famous "Teflon Don" John Gotti. Ok, so what's my problem with him? Honestly, I regret even bringing this dude up in conversation on this post just because he deserves no outlet or advertisement of any kind whatsoever, anywhere, for being such a douche.

First, let me be the first to tell you that Carmine is a rapper. C Gotti to be correct. He's signed to Ruff Ryders. Yep, for real. His song (feat. Tony Sunshine) is called, "I'm Young, Hot, and Rich." It should be called, "I'm a Douche, Disgrace to my father's name, and I look like a bitch." Because that would be "keeping it real."

Another thing that grinds my gears is when I saw his myspace page, (again sorry for even giving him this much advertisement) it says "FREE JOHN GOTTI" on it. Wouldn't you think that since that was his grandfather, he would be aware of the fact that the man is dead? He died in jail in 2002 from cancer. We can't free him anymore Carmine. He's dead.

Before "C Gotti" happened, the name "Gotti" meant "The Dapper Don" or "The Teflon Don" - a man who took no shit from anybody, dressed himself in $5,000 suits for the fuck of it, and couldn't be stopped by the authorities until he got ratted out.

Now, when we hear the name "Gotti," we think of douchebags with spiky gelled hair and fake tans that drink Heineken and Jager-Bombs all night while hogging all the fine pussy. We hate you.

The best part about this whole thing though, is that his grandfather didn't like him either.

Old School Friday

Def Squad - El Nino

This is in my top ten. I remember stealing this from Circuit City across from the Roosevelt Mall years ago. I wish they would've made another album soon after this but that never happened.

Redman - "Check out the only crew who makes the power moves, whoever's next on the mic, wear shower shoes..."

Redman, Erick Sermon, and Keith Murray are three rappers that can say the simplest rhyme and make it sound retarded.

I don't think we'll be hearing anything from them as a whole anytime soon, but at least we're supposed to get Blackout 2 this year.

Side Effect - 2020

Krush Unit artist Side Effect is dropping his new album soon "The Bangologist"

Here's something to "wet your beak" Side Effect 2020

This shit is fire.


produced by Stress

photo by Snapkracker